loved all along
i have spent so much of my life learning how to love Jesus, only to discover that He has been loving me all along.
through every season of growing up, finding my faith, wandering away, coming home, and learning to surrender, there has been one constant.
Him.
01 the faith i was given
i have known the name of Jesus for as long as i can remember.
faith was part of my life long before i understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with Him.
i grew up in a Filipino Catholic family, attended Catholic school, received the Sacraments, and learned the prayers. i was raised knowing that God was good, that He loved us, and that we had so much to be grateful for.
and i believed all of that.
i knew that God loved me. i knew that He knew me. i understood what being a good Catholic was supposed to look like.
but for a long time, something still felt missing.
i knew so much about Jesus, but i didn't really know Him.
at least, not yet.
that began to change in high school.
i joined a Catholic youth community, where i was introduced to praise and worship, retreats, ministry, and young people who spoke about Jesus as though He were genuinely part of their everyday lives.
because He was.
there was something beautiful about being surrounded by people my own age who loved Jesus so openly. their faith was not simply something they practised on Sundays or something they had inherited from their families. it was something personal, something alive, and something they wanted to share with others.
for the first time, i began to see what a relationship with Jesus could look like beyond everything i had grown up knowing.
before long, i became deeply involved in music, creative ministry, youth events, and leadership. i loved being part of a community that brought young people closer to Christ, and i loved the thought that something i helped create or organize could become an opportunity for someone else to encounter Him.
those years gave me so much. they taught me about community, service, and the joy of sharing my faith.
but looking back, i can also see something about myself that i didn't fully understand at the time.
i was very good at doing things for Jesus.
i loved serving, contributing, and being someone others could depend on. and although those were good things, somewhere along the way, i began measuring my faithfulness by how much i could do.
i was learning how to serve Him, but i was still learning how to simply be with Him.
02 when faith became my own
then came a Catholic youth conference in Toronto.
i remember being in Adoration, surrounded by hundreds of young people gathered before Jesus in the Eucharist.
there was something incredibly moving about that moment. all of us, coming from different places and carrying different stories, gathered before the very same Lord.
and for once, there was nothing i needed to organize, lead, prepare, or accomplish.
i didn't have to be useful.
i didn't have to do anything.
i could simply be there with Him.
and in that stillness, i began to recognize something i had been missing.
Jesus didn't just want the things i could do for Him.
He wanted me.
i had spent so much time learning about Him and serving Him, but there was a closeness with Him that i was only beginning to discover.
i realized there was so much more to this relationship than i had known.
and i wanted more.
when i began university, that desire for something deeper came with me.
i found a Catholic community on campus, and through the friendships i formed, the conversations we shared, and the opportunities to grow in faith together, my relationship with Jesus began to deepen in ways i hadn't expected.
for the first time, i was learning to encounter Christ outside of all the roles and responsibilities i had grown accustomed to carrying.
i wasn't maryanne the leader.
i wasn't maryanne the musician.
i wasn't maryanne who always had to make everything happen.
i was just maryanne.
and slowly, i began to understand that this was enough for Him.
i didn't need a ministry title, a responsibility, or something impressive to offer. i could come to Jesus exactly as i was, and He would still want to spend time with me.
for years, i had been learning about God, singing about Him, serving Him, and speaking about Him.
now, i was learning what it meant to actually know Him.
later that year, at another Catholic conference, i found myself in Adoration once again.
and this time, i gave Jesus my yes.
it wasn't because i suddenly had everything figured out or because i knew exactly what following Him would mean for the rest of my life.
i didn't.
but i knew that i wanted a relationship with Him that was truly my own. i wanted to choose Him, not simply because i had grown up Catholic or because faith had always been part of my life, but because i was beginning to fall in love with the person of Jesus Christ.
i wanted Him to be at the center of my life.
so i said yes.
i didn't know what that yes would eventually ask of me, or how many times i would need to give it again.
but in that moment, i meant it with my whole heart.
my faith continued to grow throughout university and the pandemic. i spent more time in prayer, studied Scripture, served in different ways, and eventually began leading faith studies of my own.
there was something especially meaningful about helping others discover the same personal relationship with Jesus that had changed my own understanding of faith.
in 2021, i participated in a Catholic mission in Toronto.
one of the churches where we served happened to be the very same church where i had received my First Confession, First Communion, and Confirmation.
i remember realizing just how beautiful that was.
years earlier, i had walked into that church as a little girl receiving the Sacraments, without fully understanding the relationship God was inviting me into.
and now, years later, i stood in that same church, guitar in hand, serving the same Jesus with a heart that had consciously chosen Him.
the church had not changed.
but i had.
there was something so special about seeing those two parts of my life come together. the little girl who had been introduced to Jesus through her family and the Church had grown into someone who wanted to share Him with others.
and for a while, i felt like my faith was only continuing to grow.
03 the empty chair
but one thing i have come to understand is that a relationship with Jesus is not always a perfectly upward journey.
mine certainly hasn't been.
toward the end of the pandemic, life began changing.
new experiences, relationships, responsibilities, and opportunities started filling my days. i was growing up, experiencing new things, and learning more about myself and the world around me.
there were beautiful moments during that season and people i will always be grateful for.
but somewhere along the way, i began making less and less room for Jesus.
it wasn't a sudden decision to walk away from my faith.
i never stopped believing in Him. i still knew that He was good, that He loved me, and that my faith mattered.
but little by little, the One i had once so intentionally given my yes to became someone i kept meaning to spend time with.
i would pray later.
i would make time later.
i would come back when life was a little less busy.
and somehow, later kept becoming later.
when i think about that season now, there is one image that always comes to mind.
a table set for two.
on one side sits Jesus, waiting for me.
not impatiently. not angrily. not looking at His watch or wondering why i hadn't shown up.
just waiting.
and across from Him is an empty chair.
mine.
i imagine all the times i walked past that table, so caught up in everything else that i forgot about the One who had been waiting to spend time with me.
and what moves me most about that image is not how many times i walked away.
it's that He never stopped waiting.
04 the One who never left
eventually, life shifted in ways i hadn't expected.
during that time, my family became one of the ways God gently led me back to Him.
through their prayers, through the Eucharist, and through the quiet love of people who continued showing up for me, i began recognizing God's presence in places i had overlooked for so long.
there was no dramatic moment where everything suddenly made sense.
it was quieter than that.
it was being reminded, little by little, of a love that had never actually gone anywhere.
during Lent, i began attending the Stations of the Cross every friday.
i found myself looking forward to that time in church, to the stillness, to reflecting on Christ's Passion, and to simply being present with Him again.
at first, part of me felt as though i was starting over.
i knew i had wandered, and i wondered whether i had somehow damaged the relationship i had spent years building with Jesus.
i thought about the person i had been when i first gave Him my yes, and i wondered how i had allowed myself to become so distracted.
but as i continued returning to prayer and the Sacraments, something began to change in the way i understood His love.
i realized that i wasn't starting over.
because Jesus had never left.
i had wandered, but His love had not.
i had left the table, and He was still there.
i think that realization changed something in me.
for so long, i had approached my relationship with Jesus as something i needed to maintain through my own efforts. if i prayed enough, served enough, or did everything a good Catholic was supposed to do, then surely i was being faithful.
and when i fell short, i felt as though i had somehow failed Him.
but returning to Him taught me something that all those years of growing up Catholic had not yet fully settled in my heart.
His love for me was never something i had to earn.
He wasn't waiting for me to become the perfect Catholic before welcoming me back.
He wasn't asking me to make up for every missed prayer or every moment i had placed something else before Him.
He was inviting me to come home.
and i began to understand that the Sacraments i had received and known about for so many years were not simply parts of being Catholic.
they were places where i could encounter Him.
i fell in love with Jesus in the Eucharist in a way i never had before.
Confession became less about the fear of admitting where i had fallen short and more about encountering the mercy of Someone who already knew me completely and loved me anyway.
prayer became less about something i needed to check off my list and more about spending time with Someone i genuinely wanted to know.
i wasn't returning to Jesus because i felt obligated to.
i was returning because i missed Him.
and because i was beginning to realize just how much i needed Him.
i no longer wanted Jesus to fit into whatever space remained in my life.
i wanted Him at the center.
through my family, friendships, and relationship with my partner, God continued teaching me about love in the most ordinary and unexpected ways.
i began noticing how much grace there was in being surrounded by people who cared for me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and reminded me that i didn't always have to have everything together.
and through those relationships, God kept drawing my attention back to a truth i was still learning to accept.
i am not loved because of how useful i am.
i am not loved because of how impressive i can be.
i am not loved because i manage to do everything right.
i am loved because i am His.
and although i was beginning to understand that truth in my relationship with Jesus, i would soon realize how much i still needed to learn to live by it.
05 learning to surrender
because growing up brought a different kind of challenge.
as i began building my career and thinking more seriously about my future, i found myself becoming increasingly focused on growth, stability, opportunity, and whether my life was moving forward quickly enough.
i have always been someone who dreams big.
i care deeply about doing things well. i love having goals, making plans, and working toward something meaningful.
i want to make my family proud. i want to build a beautiful life. i want to use the gifts God has given me well and make something meaningful out of the opportunities in front of me.
and for a long time, i thought the pressure i felt was simply part of being ambitious.
but eventually, i began noticing how much of that ambition had become tangled with fear.
was i doing enough?
should i be further ahead by now?
what if i made the wrong decision?
what if i worked so hard for something and it never happened?
what if the life i had imagined for myself wasn't the life i would actually have?
i was constantly thinking about what came next.
even when things were going well, there was always another goal to reach, another decision to make, or another version of myself i thought i needed to become.
it was exhausting.
and somewhere along the way, i had started believing that if i could just work hard enough, plan carefully enough, and make all the right decisions, i could somehow guarantee that everything would turn out the way i wanted.
i wanted to trust God.
but i also wanted to know exactly what He was going to do.
during that season, i found myself in Confession again.
and through a conversation with a priest, Jesus helped me recognize something about myself that i had been struggling to put into words.
the part of me that cares deeply, dreams big, notices the little things, and strives for excellence can be a gift.
God had given me those qualities for a reason.
but even good gifts can become burdens when they are driven by fear and the need for control.
i began realizing how tightly i had been holding on to everything.
my career.
my timeline.
my expectations.
the future i had so carefully imagined.
even the person i thought i needed to become.
i had been asking God to bless my plans, but i hadn't fully opened my hands to the possibility that His plans might look different.
and the thought of that scared me.
because what if surrender meant letting go of something i really wanted?
what if trusting Him meant not knowing what came next?
what if the life He had planned for me looked nothing like the one i had been working so hard to build?
after Confession, i sat quietly in the church.
i thought about all the things i had been trying to figure out, all the expectations i had placed on myself, and how much energy i had spent worrying about a future that hadn't even happened yet.
and in that moment, i realized how tired i was of trying to carry everything on my own.
so i began to let go.
i surrendered my career.
my timeline.
my expectations.
my dreams and the plans i had made for them.
i surrendered the things i understood and the things i was still afraid of.
and more than anything, i gave Jesus my future.
not just the parts i was comfortable trusting Him with.
all of it.
i didn't have the perfect words to say. i just knew that i wanted to stop holding on so tightly to something that had never been entirely in my control.
and sitting there in that church, i felt a peace i hadn't felt in a long time.
not because every question suddenly had an answer.
not because God handed me a perfect five year plan or promised that everything would happen exactly as i had imagined.
but because, for once, i was okay not knowing.
i began to understand that trusting God did not mean abandoning my dreams or pretending i no longer cared about my future.
it meant believing that the One who loved me knew what to do with the life i was placing in His hands.
i could still work hard.
i could still dream big.
i could still pursue the things i felt called to do.
but i didn't have to make my accomplishments the measure of my worth, or my plans the condition of my peace.
i could be faithful with what was in front of me and trust Him with what i couldn't see.
and for someone who has spent so much of her life trying to have everything figured out, that has been one of the most freeing lessons of all.
06 held all along
i am still ambitious.
i still care about my future, and i still have dreams that sometimes feel much bigger than me.
i still have moments when i compare myself to other people, worry that i am falling behind, or become impatient with the way things are unfolding.
i still catch myself wanting to know exactly how everything will turn out.
but i am learning.
i am learning to work hard without making work my identity.
to make plans without demanding that God follow them.
to pursue beautiful things without asking them to prove my worth.
to recognize that a life entrusted to Jesus is not a life without uncertainty, but a life that doesn't have to be ruled by it.
and perhaps most importantly, i am learning that i can rest.
i don't have to become everything i am meant to be all at once.
i don't have to figure out the next ten years before i can appreciate the life God has placed in front of me today.
i can simply take the next step, do my best with what i have been given, and trust that He will continue leading me.
looking back, i find it beautiful how Jesus has been teaching me the same lesson through so many different seasons of my life.
when i was a little girl learning the prayers and receiving the Sacraments, He was already inviting me into a relationship with Him.
when i became involved in ministry and thought faithfulness meant always having something to offer, He reminded me that He wanted my heart more than my accomplishments.
when i first gave Him my yes, He welcomed it, even knowing all the times i would struggle to live it out.
when i wandered, He remained.
when i returned, He met me with mercy.
and when i became overwhelmed by everything i thought my life needed to become, He invited me to place it all in His hands.
every season looked different.
every version of me carried different hopes, fears, questions, and desires.
but through all of them, His invitation remained remarkably simple.
come back.
sit with Me.
let Me love you.
today, Jesus is my best friend, my anchor, and the center of the life i am still learning to build.
and i don't say that because i have mastered the Catholic faith or because i always get it right.
i haven't, and i don't.
there are still days when prayer feels difficult, when i get distracted, when i make mistakes, and when i find myself trying to take back control of things i have already surrendered.
there are still moments when i forget the very lessons He has spent years patiently teaching me.
but what has changed is that i know who i can return to.
i know where to go when life feels overwhelming.
i know who to thank when life is beautiful.
and i know that whether i am at my best or struggling to find my way, i am loved by the same Jesus who has known me from the very beginning.
not because i have loved Him perfectly.
but because He has loved me faithfully.
07 a seat for you
and that is why i wanted to share this story.
because maybe some part of it feels familiar to you.
maybe you grew up Catholic too. maybe you attended Catholic school, learned the prayers, received the Sacraments, and have always known that God exists, but still find yourself wondering what it really means to know Him personally.
maybe there was a season when your faith felt so alive, when prayer came naturally and you couldn't imagine ever feeling distant from Jesus.
but life happened.
you grew up. things changed. responsibilities piled up. other things began taking more of your time and attention.
and one day, you realized that the relationship you once treasured had quietly become something you kept meaning to return to.
or maybe you have been carrying the weight of expectations, trying so hard to become the person you think you need to be that you have forgotten you are already loved by the One who created you.
maybe you feel like you have been away for too long.
maybe you don't know how to begin again.
i hope that if there is one thing you take away from my story, it is this.
you have not gone too far for His mercy.
and you do not have to become someone else before you can come to Him.
there is still a table set for two.
Jesus is still there.
He is not staring at the clock, keeping score, or waiting for you to become holy enough, successful enough, or put together enough before you are welcome in His presence.
He already knows you.
He knows where you have been, what you have carried, the mistakes you have made, and all the things you are still trying to figure out.
He knows the parts of your story you are proud of and the parts you wish you could rewrite.
and He loves you.
i know because i have walked away from that table too.
i have been the person who said she would pray later, who thought she could manage everything on her own, and who worried that she had somehow fallen behind in her relationship with God.
but every time i have turned back toward Him, i have found the same love waiting for me.
His mercy was not exhausted by my wandering.
His invitation had not expired.
there was still a seat with my name on it.
and there is one for you too.
you don't need to have everything figured out before you come to Him.
you don't need the perfect words, the strongest faith, or a beautiful testimony to tell.
you don't have to wait until your life looks the way you think it should.
you can begin exactly where you are.
because if there is anything these years have taught me, it is that a relationship with Jesus has never been about how perfectly i can hold on to Him.
it is about discovering how faithfully He has been holding on to me.
all along.
so wherever you are in your story, i hope you know that His invitation is still there.
come as you are.
take your seat.
spend some time with Him.
let yourself be loved.
and maybe, when you are ready,
give Him your yes.
if you're wondering what it means to say yes to Jesus, start here.
